People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
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Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.