People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
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Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
the noise i just made
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.