People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
You Might Also Like
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train