People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
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The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.