People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
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My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Two types of dogs.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Monica just destroyed the internet
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.