People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
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If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats