I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
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Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room