People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
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Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’