Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
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Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
early stone age tool
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
How do dragons blow out candles?
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now