me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
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doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.