me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
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my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I would like even faster food.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu