People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
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I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.