bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
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“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Breaking news:
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”