Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
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SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something