People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Breaking news:
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.