“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
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You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see