fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
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Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
My beach vacation Google searches
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
car not found
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.