People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Put the is in disheveled
Lmao
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.