@liz_buckley: People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They're not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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@bestlizard: A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
@babyitsmb: I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
@david8hughes: [cat shelter] Me: so u don't test for it but u say none of them have it? Owner: we've never come across a cat with martial arts training, no