Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
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You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
yes… yes…
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*