People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
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I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.