People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.