The devil.
You Might Also Like
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
“HELP WITH CAT”
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.