@sixfootcandy: People need to learn the difference between heroin and heroine. One is exceedingly more difficult to fit into a syringe.
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@oxygenplug: [commercial for college] *person shoveling money into furnace* Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better way?
@AnkCoupleTO: Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain? Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
@platinum2000: "How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?" *I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.