@histwaddle: People need to stop judging a person by their appearance. Just because i have food stains on my shirt that doesn't mean i have kids.
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@junejuly12: Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a 'veteran' and a 28 year old player 'old' has done zilch for my self esteem today
@Staggfilms: [first date] Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup? Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don't make this weird.
@wittwitbarista: Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies: 1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players? 2) do I care?
@bencoffeehall: Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it's important to start out really fat.