“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
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the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Sign of the day..
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.