@histwaddle: People need to stop judging a person by their appearance. Just because i have food stains on my shirt that doesn't mean i have kids.
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@fro_vo: Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth Wife: i see you learned a new word Me: i obfuscately did Wife: Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
@iwearaonesie: me: Dave's coming over wife: Nice Dave or Dave who picked a fight with a kid named Cancer? *Dave walks in wearing an "I Beat Cancer" shirt*
@hipstermermaid: I'm going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
@PaperWash: "I hope they bought enough beer so they won't notice how much I'm drinking" -My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway