[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
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Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
What’s so funny?
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me