Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
You Might Also Like
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.