Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
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Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Risking my life for fun.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.