People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
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I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Many hands make light work
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.