People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
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I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?