People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
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An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks