@badbanana: People overlook Dracula's positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
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@FeelingMervis: I've had intimate problems all my life. I just can't get close to someone without feeling insecure. You said internet problems? Nevermind.
@mynameisntdave: ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee! AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he's back and he brought a horse with him this time
@hazelmotes1: Me: when I grow up I'm going to be an astronaut. 5 year old daughter: you're already grown up. You'll be dead soon.