People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
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Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.