9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
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It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Oh the world we live in…
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
can’t catch a break
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.