People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
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instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this