People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
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According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring