@_NTFG_: People say love is the best feeling in the world, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.
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@DjJazzyJeffro: A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
@stevevsninjas: Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money? Like they do now... Holy shit.
@Eden_Eats: My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
@cwhudson: [dog walking a human] *walks by a coffeeshop with its door open* HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there