@_NTFG_: People say love is the best feeling in the world, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.
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@NJFreudian: My therapist asked me, "How would leaving twitter make you feel?" I replied by asking him, "How would switching therapists make you feel?"
@FilthyRichmond: Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you'll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
@anagramps: "My nose is going to grow now" said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
@rolldiggity: 1. Invite snowmen into your conference room. 2. Turn up heat. 3. Negotiate on YOUR terms.