“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
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I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I feel like one of these would kill a European
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about