@_NTFG_: People say love is the best feeling in the world, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.
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@SonOfCha: When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it's been there for years & set it free.
@juliussharpe: That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
@AngelaEhh: I'm sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.