@_NTFG_: People say love is the best feeling in the world, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.
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@VaDawn13: Dear Restaurant Managers: If more than 3 employees ask me how I'm enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don't know.
@cjcapbt: I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn't tear away ..
@hipstermermaid: Donald Trump is like the "Scream" movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
@Book_Krazy: FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning *Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* "yes"