@rachelle_mandik: people say they're "over the moon" when they're happy, but it's a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
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@SadMeterologist: Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.
@Pork_Chop_Hair: Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
@TheGladStork: When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I'm on an intense business call.
@iwearaonesie: So important your wife knows you're petting the dog when she hears you say "you're getting a little chunky"