people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
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*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch