People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
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As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads: