People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
You Might Also Like
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.