People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
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Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)