People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
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Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Strange
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet