People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
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Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
My current situation
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle