Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
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How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training