– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
You Might Also Like
It was worth a shot 😂
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel