People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
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They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”