@missekay: People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don't understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
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@FatherWithTwins: My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, "isn't my undying love & affection enough?" We laughed and laughed. Now I'm at the purse store
@KenJennings: I ordered a red ottoman online yesterday and now all my self-aware sidebar ads are a never-ending David Lynch fever dream of red ottomans.
@BradBroaddus: I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80's.