@ryangriffiths: People that say "The worst kind of cut is a paper cut" probably haven't been stabbed in the face before.
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@robdelaney: 23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it's okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
@onion_an: Dentist: I'm going to take your tooth out Me: Ok then [later that evening] Dentist: Well this is nice My tooth: I'm having a lovely time
@i_Lean: Just remember Mom, you can't spell "disappointment" without "appointment" which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
@BuckyIsotope: Barry? Yes Joe Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we'd eat at the Pizza Hut in France No Joe *Biden slams fist* THIS IS BULLSHIT