@ryangriffiths: People that say "The worst kind of cut is a paper cut" probably haven't been stabbed in the face before.
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@LeBearGirdle: *trying to ask a girl on a date* Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime? Her: was- was that a mop?
@LaurelleMartin: My boys are gamers and I'm single It's like a race to see who can use the most batteries
@JohnLyonTweets: *watches Beauty and the Beast* *looks at dirty dishes in sink* WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
@bourgeoisalien: don't usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: "lift with a straight back!" it felt good