HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
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i smell a pulitzer
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
People buying plungers never look happy.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that