Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
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*offers Batman cough drops*
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old