Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
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little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.