People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
You Might Also Like
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
A choir of Spring onions
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.