GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
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Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.