Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
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If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.