@Adar79Angie: People think I'm a hugger, but I'm actually shaking them down for snacks.
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@carlyken: [interview at winery] What strengths do you bring to the job? *long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer* Are you being serious right now
@graceful_asfuck: Her: you take nice selfies Me: so I'm vain Her: no you're photogenic Me: oh so I'm ugly in real life Her: just say thanks Me: oh so I'm rude
@iamburtjarvis: HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK: STEP 1: buy a recliner STEP 2: buy some beer STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods