People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
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Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.